Who Has Cancer?
Last night I stayed awake late and reread my blog from beginning to end. It is crazy to me to read about my life. It doesn't seem like it is possible that it was really me suffering through a very real disease. I read all of the entries and found myself crying while I remembered all that my friends and family have been through in the last year. It just doesn't seem like that is really my life. I am still stunned that I got cancer.
I find that I am really lucky that I can just live in the moment. I forget on a regular basis that I have cancer at all. Even though there are many things always reminding me. Such as my diet, the 23 centimeter scar running down the middle of my chest or a dry cough that just won't go away. I am extremely good at putting it all out of mind and just enjoying every minute as it comes.
It has been three months since my last scan and it is time for a new one. I have been saying that I wasn't going to have the scan done because I really don't think that I would subject myself to chemo ever again. However, I always follow that up with a never say never. Now the time has come and I am leaning towards doing the scan. Like I mentioned earlier, I have had an on going dry cough for over two weeks. It doesn't seem to be getting any better. Now it comes down to piece of mind. Even if my scan comes out badly I just have to know.
I am in Florida right now. I came here to celebrate one of my good friends 50Th birthday. I am supposed to leave tomorrow and I really just don't want to go home. I always want to go home. I miss Ryan and Ruffus and sleeping in my own bed. Even with all of that waiting my reality is there as well and scans are scheduled and doctors appointments loom. Maybe if I just stay a few more days down here in denial it will all go away.
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Peace of mind is something we all need. if you are fine you can party like a rock star if there is a battle to be had you can battle (as we know you have done such an amazing job at)
ReplyDeleteTake Care of yourself and have fun.. Key west is a cool place to get lost for a bit if you are in Florida .. or wait there is always Disneyworld.. Love Barbara
Hi Kristine~ I totally understand I am also a stage 4 Leiomyosarcoma survivor of 20 months. I am currently in my 3rd battle with LMS in a little over 18 months. I have 3 young children (4, 9, 11) and will do anything to live and finish my job of raising my children. I can relate to scan anxiety. I have scans every 8 weeks, I just had a liver tumor removed in Dec and right after that I had 6 lung nodules appear. My lung nodules are still stable as of May 5th and I am sooooo grateful. I just want you to know in regards to your cough, it could be just from this crazy weather here in the North. I am from Pittsburgh, PA. so I know. If this helps any I don't have ANY symptoms at all and have 6 lung nodules. In fact I have never felt better and this is the honest truth. I am not a vegan but I do eat mainly fruit, vegetables, nuts etc and I do eat some meat (chicken, turkey) and eggs on occasion. I go to the gym 5/6 days a week, do 60 minutes of cario each time and lift weights 3-4 days a week as well. Have you ever tried exercise? I can tell you from experience that its the best drug (that you don't have to take) for anxiety and depression. It been my life saver. I still have the same fears as you when it comes to scan time but dealing with it is much easier with exercise. I have never needed an anti-depressant since I was diagnosed because exercise works so well for me. I also take 40 or supplement a day, most are anti-oxidants, which my medical oncologist says my list looks fine to him. BTW, I wish I could be like you in forgetting that i have cancer I am so pro-active that I can't seem to ever let it leave my mind. I am trying really hard to do this. I do enjoy life and I am happy but fear still sits there everyday. I will pray for you, stay strong. Hugs! Chris
ReplyDeleteHey Kristine - I am sure that the fear of the unknown is worse than the truth. Your anxiety level must be rising, thinking of your Scan. However, knowing what you have been thru and your fierce spirit and all the prayers that are with you, I feel you will make the correct choice for yourself, and continue to enjoy each day, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Ryan and your family - Deb
ReplyDeleteHey Kristine,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know I read your blog often and am sending good thoughts your way. I am hoping your scan gives you good news. I just got back from Florida myself and am already missing the palm trees. I hope you are having a great time.
Elizabeth Trout
Thinking of you.... I can only begin to imagine the anxiety. hugs, prayers, love coming your way....
ReplyDeleteHI Kristine. It sounds like all of this is pretty overwhelming....I can't even begin to imagine. I just want you to know how much you are admired. You have such an awesome spirit in your personality. Everything you do is done with passion! Please dig deep and keep the FAITH!! I will be praying for a clean bill of health and seeing a smile on your face real soon. Love, Ann
ReplyDeleteHi babe,
ReplyDeleteI know we're both fans of knowing the truth, even if it's bad news (although i'm still grateful you never let me drunk dial the Good Doctor...), so i say get the scan and work from a place of knowledge. You have the resources to fight if you have to, but I just know your scan will be fine!
Love, Ali
You tricky little sista....you didn't tell me you were avoiding the scan. You know what my answer would have been, but I'm glad you stayed in the nice warm weather and lived in the moment. It is one of the many things I love and admire about you....
ReplyDeleteColette