Scared Certain

On Wednesday, I spoke with Dr. Staddon's office about the results of Kristine's latest scans. Kristine prefers to avoid going in for office visits if she can these days.  The entire experience gives her a great deal of anxiety with little achieved by the end to provide any hope.  Dr. Staddon's nurse practitioner explained the results.  I'll get right to it.

First, the positive news.  The area in Kristine's brain where the tumor was resected shows no signs of new disease or abnormality.  The second tumor -- that which was treated by Gamma Knife radiation -- continues to shrink significantly. There are no new signs of additional disease in Kristine's brain. It's amazing that what we at one time thought was a certain death sentence has been downgraded to a secondary concern to monitor.   

On a more melancholy note, the tumors in Kristine's lungs continue to increase in size.  In October, there were five tumors identified.  The latest CT scan shows nine tumors of various sizes -- the smallest about 0.8cm x 0.6cm and the largest about 4.3cm x 2.3cm.  The growths have caused Kristine to cough more frequently and, occasionally, experience some shortness of breath when exerted (for example, after climbing stairs).  The doctor did not request scans of the lymph nodes, but we can assume that the same pattern is likely at play.  Especially since Kristine has been experiencing more pain in her shoulder and at least one tumor is clearly visible and larger than it was several months ago.  

Throughout our experience with this disease, Kristine and I have always had a plan.  When first diagnosed with cancer, we quickly got Kristine on an aggressive chemo regiment.  Once that was complete it was on to heart surgery to remove the remaining tumor.  Once it felt like Kristine was out of the woods, she got herself on a strict diet to build up her immune system.  Then the brain tumor hit and there was a strict rehabilitation schedule to follow and Gamma Knife surgery in which to put our faith.  But now we are facing what seems to be a dark tunnel, no options in front of us and no concrete plan to inspire us and give us hope.  We are both scared, but Kristine especially.  She has to live with the pain that reminds her constantly of her affliction.  It leaves the rest of us only to image how it feels to experience a lack of control over what's happening inside one's own body.  

So where do we go from here?  We continue to explore holistic treatments and are talking about getting serious about our diet again (we fell off the wagon in the last 6 months).  However, an important element in this equation is our continued and absolute belief that Kristine will prevail in this fight.  We sincerely believe that something will present itself to us as a solution to heal her. Just as when we thought brain cancer was the end of the road and a cutting edge treatment was employed to solve the problem, we fully believe that another solution will materialize.  It is our unwavering belief that drives us.  Not simply hope, but rather a certainty --however naive -- that we will soon see some light at the end of this dark tunnel and move on to the next chapter in our lives.