Overwhelmed

Kristine has been in a lot of pain the last couple of weeks stemming primarily from the muscles in her upper back. On the right side, her muscles frequently launch into spasm lasting anywhere from one to ten minutes. It isn't clear exactly what's causing the spasms, but they are likely the result of either overcompensation for her paralyzed left side or interference of the muscles by tumor masses in her lymph nodes. On her left side, the muscles in her back that hold the shoulder blade in place have started to weaken due to inactivity. Kristine was kept away from physical therapy for several weeks while she received radiation to lymph node tumors in her right shoulder and neck. With no strength in the musculature to hold them in place, her left arm and shoulder have rolled forward pulling on the back muscles and inducing extreme discomfort. Kristine tried taking a muscle relaxer to relieve the pain. The trouble was, while it ameliorated the spasms on her right side, the medication did little to relieve the tension on the left. More concerning was that the prescribed pharma interfered with Kristine's breathing, leaving her already compromised lungs gasping for air. The situation has left Kristine in a Catch 22 -- the pain makes it difficult for Kristine to work on strengthening the muscles, but only strengthening can resolve the pain.

Several doctors' appointments are on the agenda for this week and Kristine's mom will be on hand in Philadelphia to help. Kristine is scheduled to see our primary care physician to get some options to manage her muscle pain. She will also get his recommendation for a good physiatrist since ours has turned out to be somewhat of a deadbeat -- not returning a single request for call back.

Also this week, Kristine will get her regular check up scans. She will have CT scans taken of her chest, shoulder and neck and an MRI of her brain to evaluate and measure the progress of her disease. The anticipation leading up to and the frustration that often follows the scan results is emotionally taxing. The reports rarely bring positive news and are never accompanied by solutions to fix the underlying problem. Our expectations for this round of scans are low though as we see clear signs of disease progression. The first is a serious of tumors on the surface of Kristine's head within the perimeter of her hairline. Although only two have reached a large size -- about that of a grape -- several more have continued to enlarge and still others have developed anew. Another visible sign that has reared its ugly head in just the last week is a small lump that has formed at the lower crease below Kristine's left breast. The signs are especially troubling as they represent what is likely just the tip of the proverbial iceberg, leaving us anxiously wondering what might lie beneath the surface.

We have both conceded that the herbs Kristine has been taking over the last several months are not working to reverse the progress of her disease. She is still taking the supplements and herbs until we move on to our next option in the case that they are having a slowing effect on the advancement of her cancer. We both remember the condition she was in prior to beginning the herbal treatment and hate to have her fall back into that state. There is another natural option that Kristine will begin taking after her scans are complete. It has the most evidence from conventional research of anticancer success than anything else we have tried to date. I'll talk more about that in later posts once we've had a chance to evaluate its impact.

Overall Kristine is feeling frustrated, dejected and overwhelmed by her situation. She feels like the progress she has made physically to improve her mobility over the last several months is quickly being reversed. Mostly she is just exhausted from being in pain. Her emotional breakdowns come more frequently these days. Kristine tries to compose herself during the day with her friends and helpers until she can release her emotions with me at the end of the day, but even this has become difficult.

We are still holding on to hope even if it is by a string. Hope that an answer, a solution, is around the corner.