Burned Out

I know it has been a while since our last post and I apologize for not having written sooner. I guess I've been putting it off in hopes of having some good news to share for a change. You have to understand how frustrating it is to keep up this blog with only the rare chance to share positive news.

Kristine and I are both burned out. We're tired, frustrated and worn thin after almost 3 years of this battle. We have been hanging on to the hope and promise of a better day. A day when Kristine can live carefree again; a day without pain; a day where we don't have to worry about cancer and where in Kristine's body it will rear its ugly head next; a day when neither of us breaks into tears struggling to understand WHY this is happening; a day when we can finally just hold one another and feel safe with the idea that there's nothing imminently pulling the other away; a day when we can just live out a normal day. But our hope is being tested. We feel like we're in a dark hole with no clear exit and we're running out of time.

Over the past few weeks, several new tumors have emerged throughout Kristine's body. She now has 18 tumors of various sizes within the perimeter of the hairline on her head. She has a marble sized tumor that is growing just under her left breast with small tentacles reaching out in several directions, another small lump midway down her back just to the left of her spine and still another pea sized lump further down her back. There are three small lumps that we can feel in her abdomen accompanied by swelling and pain in her left abdominal side. Her right shoulder has swollen in size as the cancer continues to compromise the lymph nodes. The veins in her right arm and chest protrude with increased pressure as the swelling and pain limit the use of Kristine's only functional upper limb. Kristine's cough has continued to worsen and she increasingly finds herself short of breath with any moderate physical exertion.

Even scarier than the tumors that we can feel are those that we can't. We know that there are small tumors on Kristine's adrenal glands just above the kidneys, but this is based on observations of her chest scan -- a scan of the abdomen was not conducted. At this point I'm not sure that either of us wants to know. Having knowledge up until this point helped to manage our decisions. Kristine chose to radiate specific tumors before they became an issue. However, without good options to solve the problem, knowledge of additional internal tumors is just cause for greater anxiety.

Mentally, Kristine is quite volatile but increasingly more depressed. She rarely makes it through the day without breaking down in tears. Her mood is mostly affected by the pain she is experiencing. She is taking Vicodin, which seems to calm her but doesn't suppress the pain entirely. Her sedentary state, frustration with a relentless cough and other medications are all contributing factors to a weakened emotional fortitude. To keep herself from slipping into depression she preoccupies her mind with iPhone games and television shows on DVR. She has been withdrawing from conversation with friends lately as well to avoid the questions about her health. The thought of having to discuss the progress of her disease and answer questions about what she is doing next overwhelms her. She enjoys listening to others talk about what's going on in their lives, no matter how mundane, as long as it doesn't turn back into questioning about her.

Kristine is still attending Physical Therapy three days a week. This is a positive source of motivation and energy. We have lost two of our four weekday helping crew, one to reemployment and another to child care issues. One of Kristine's friends has generously stepped up to take on three days, but I'm concerned that this may be too much to ask. The way Kristine is progressing we may need to explore professional help. This, of course, comes with a huge mental stigma attached, with which Kristine will have trouble coming to terms.

We need a renewed sense of hope and change of direction. That's all for now.