9/30 - Hallucinations

Little wooden men; a room full of fairies; shark attacks; anonymous, incessant talking. These are just a few of the hallucinations and thoughts that have haunted Kristine over the past week in what has proven to be her most emotionally trying cycle.

The thoughts started Thursday when uncontrollable images and sounds began taking control of Kristine's mind. She tossed in bed complaining, "they won't stop talking, I can't make them stop." She would say that the room was full of people, sitting on the bed or standing all around her. Sometimes the voices threatened to take her away and other times they just spoke to one another about her.

Kristine could not relax and could not sleep. Her mind spun out of control sending her into a desperate emotional state. We turned on the sound machine, but the crashing ocean waves that had previously pacified her became a playground for the relentless creatures who occupied her every thought. While she will look back on some of the images with laughter -- for example, David Hasselhoff posing as the grim reaper -- the collective experience is one that she is already trying to forget.

The nurses at the cancer center were not surprised by the hallucinations. They are apparently a side effect of the chemo drug IFEX. And although it seems strange that this is the first time Kristine has experienced this particular side effect, we've learned quickly through the course of this process that nothing is constant -- there always seems to be a new surprise when you least expect it.

By Friday, Kristine had just about had enough. Her mother and a couple of the nurses found themselves convincing Kristine to stay and finish her treatment after she had threatened to quit and go home. I assumed at the time that this was an emotional climax spawned by frustration and exhaustion -- a passing reaction. I now understand that the notion of discontinuing treatment, at least in its current form, is one that Kristine is taking very seriously. With her mind returned, clear and lucid, she expresses this desire definitively. She's hit the wall in the 20th mile of this marathon and is having trouble imagining the finish line.

The next few days will determine just how serious Kristine is about not receiving more chemo. She stated today that she plans to call our oncologist on Monday to give him the heads up on what she's thinking prior to her nadir appointment on Tuesday. My guess is that he'll not be greatly surprised by this, I'm sure Kristine is not the first to approach him with a request to shift course in treatment.

I'll keep you posted with the doctor's response.

9/25 - The Third Stage

Kristine is back in chemotherapy this week. It is the first of four cycles that she'll undergo lasting through the end of the year. The first two days have been a little tough on her. She has been sleeping for most of the day. She woke up this evening thinking it was Wednesday. Toward the end of her last set of cycles it was almost as if she had built up some immunity to all the medication. This was clearly a short term effect, which is probably for the best since this isn't the kind of thing that anyone should get used to.

The cycles are a little longer this time (5 days instead of 4) and the chemo drugs while fewer are less intense. Kristine's mom is in town for this cycle. It is always a big help to have her here. This is especially so this cycle since I am working through the week.

I'll keep you updated on Kristine's progress.

9/5 - Another Few Months

It has been a long, exhausting road. Kristine has spent half of a year either consumed by an intense chemotherapy regiment or weakened by its occupation of her body. She has endured the physical demands of a major surgery to one of life's critical organs as well as a number of major blood vessels. Through all of this she has maintained a tremendous level of courage, fortitude and resolve. Although I doubt she knows any other way to live her life.

But all the needles, hospital visits, time lost and time erased, pain, discomfort, sleeplessness and general lack of normalcy over this extended period of time has not occurred without taking a toll. While the scars that run down Kristine's chest have healed well in just a couple of weeks, the process of healing mentally is slow and easily thrown off course. And nothing can mess with the mind quite like dealing with news of additional treatment.

We met with Dr. Staddon today for the first time since Kristine's surgery. He was happy with the outcome of the pathology studies that showed 90% of the resected tumor to be dead. He commented on how amazing Kristine was doing clinically for someone who had just recently had the operation she did. And he outlined the next steps in Kristine's treatment plan.

Although we knew from the outcome of the surgery that radiation would be necessary in a small area near Kristine's shoulder and that additional chemotherapy cycles would be necessary (or at least highly recommended) to reduce the likelihood of future recurrence, neither of us was prepared to hear it in such certain terms. The doctor's plan includes 4 additional cycles of chemo that will begin on September 24th -- this time one drug (Ifex) instead of two, over five days instead of four, every third week. Kristine will also receive local radiation once everyday for a full month beginning in October.

The reality of another 3+ months of this tiring routine hit Kristine hard -- the progress of mental healing almost immediately blocked if not reversed. For me the sadness and disappointment in Kristine's eyes coupled with my own recognition of the difficulties in managing her treatment schedule, my job and the daily responsibilities of life sent a sharp and overwhelming stress coursing through my system.

But like everything else we have been through, we will manage our way through this, keeping perspective on the fact that this is all quite positive a prognosis and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. As Kristine said to me the other day, shortly after we had finished a fairly trivial argument stemming from pure exhaustion and frustration, "we're doing OK."

We're doing O.K.

9/3 - Relaxing Labor Day

Kristine and I have been taking it easy these past few days after a couple of hectic weeks. Kristine is doing well but is still in some pain. She has been taking short walks to build up her energy and climbing the stairs is becoming less and less strenuous -- although she still needs to stop to catch her breath at the top.


Kristine's parents headed back to Michigan on Sunday morning to enjoy the last weeks of summer. Although it's nice to have the house to ourselves again, we'll both miss the evening card games and the help that they provided during their stay here.

With family gone and me at work, Kristine will be welcoming company during this next week to pass the time and provide emotional support. So, if you're in the area and feel like spending some quality time with Kristine, feel free to call ahead and pay a visit.