9/30 - Hallucinations

Little wooden men; a room full of fairies; shark attacks; anonymous, incessant talking. These are just a few of the hallucinations and thoughts that have haunted Kristine over the past week in what has proven to be her most emotionally trying cycle.

The thoughts started Thursday when uncontrollable images and sounds began taking control of Kristine's mind. She tossed in bed complaining, "they won't stop talking, I can't make them stop." She would say that the room was full of people, sitting on the bed or standing all around her. Sometimes the voices threatened to take her away and other times they just spoke to one another about her.

Kristine could not relax and could not sleep. Her mind spun out of control sending her into a desperate emotional state. We turned on the sound machine, but the crashing ocean waves that had previously pacified her became a playground for the relentless creatures who occupied her every thought. While she will look back on some of the images with laughter -- for example, David Hasselhoff posing as the grim reaper -- the collective experience is one that she is already trying to forget.

The nurses at the cancer center were not surprised by the hallucinations. They are apparently a side effect of the chemo drug IFEX. And although it seems strange that this is the first time Kristine has experienced this particular side effect, we've learned quickly through the course of this process that nothing is constant -- there always seems to be a new surprise when you least expect it.

By Friday, Kristine had just about had enough. Her mother and a couple of the nurses found themselves convincing Kristine to stay and finish her treatment after she had threatened to quit and go home. I assumed at the time that this was an emotional climax spawned by frustration and exhaustion -- a passing reaction. I now understand that the notion of discontinuing treatment, at least in its current form, is one that Kristine is taking very seriously. With her mind returned, clear and lucid, she expresses this desire definitively. She's hit the wall in the 20th mile of this marathon and is having trouble imagining the finish line.

The next few days will determine just how serious Kristine is about not receiving more chemo. She stated today that she plans to call our oncologist on Monday to give him the heads up on what she's thinking prior to her nadir appointment on Tuesday. My guess is that he'll not be greatly surprised by this, I'm sure Kristine is not the first to approach him with a request to shift course in treatment.

I'll keep you posted with the doctor's response.