10/16 - Wednesday

According to her original treatment schedule Kristine was due to start the second of her four remaining chemotherapy cycles this week. But Monday came and went without a drop of blood drawn, without an anxious night lain sleepless and without a single dose of IFex, Adriamycin, Mesna, Ativan, Emend, Heparin, Compazine, Zofran, Aloxy, Decadron nor any other chemotherapy drug administered. This is because Kristine will not be continuing any further chemotherapy treatment.

You'll recall that Kristine was experiencing some pretty heavy hallucinations during her last cycle. Well, within a few days after treatment her hallucinations subsided, but her feeling of distress lingered with the vivid memories held of the days passed. Kristine had convinced herself that she could not endure another cycle. She hadn't even fully recovered from one round of treatment and already she was terrified of the next.

Before her next doctor visit Kristine had considered broaching, with Dr. Staddon, the idea of discontinuing her chemotherapy treatment, or at least seeking alternative options. Although she was entirely serious about the prospect of stopping, it was a complete surprise to both of us when Dr. Staddon agreed. His rational was simple. It was not O.K. for her to be experiencing prolonged hallucinations. And where some of Kristine's thoughts, at times, had become suicidal, he felt it imperative to end the medication. Dr. Staddon also cited some rare cases where people had not come out of their altered mind states.

What shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone is Kristine's overwhelming relief. She was elated at the thought of not having to endure another grueling regiment. At the same time, however, the uncertainty that followed has been almost equally unsettling. Of course, there's the 30 days of radiation that will soon begin. But if what everyone says is true, the procedure promises to be a breeze relative to the chemo. But what then? Is this really the end? What if there is still tumor left behind even after this round of chemo? What if there are still microscopic cells that escape the radiation?

A barrage of "what if" questions continue to penetrate Kristine's thoughts, even as she attempts to stay positive. The crew cut length hair that had grown in now falls out in clumps, just another cruel reminder. But remaining true to herself, Kristine is as resilient as ever. She's taking things in stride, staying positive and embracing her life for what it is.

We've reached the Wednesday of this ordeal - our metaphorical hump day. We're almost through the end of the week and looking forward to a Friday that is long overdue.