RADIOACTIVE BABY!

I have been waiting to write about my radiation. Thinking that at any moment something dramatic was going to occur and I would have interesting information to pass along. That is not going to happen. I finished 37 rounds of radiation on Wednesday. All I have to show for it is large burnt circles on the front of my chest and on my back. This is where the beams hit my skin.

When I had my first visit with the radiologist he told me a number of side effects that could happen. From nausea, fatigue, painful skin burns, and a burnt esophagus (which would have made eating impossible) all the way to a small chance of being paralyzed because they were radiating my spine. Could you imagine coming this far and then end up paralyzed? After he had his meeting with me I overheard him say to the nurse, "yes, 37 times but let's see how much she can take." I figured I had a rough road ahead.

There were days that I was tired and stayed on the coach the whole day. One Friday night at 3 a.m. I woke with a terrible sore throat and thought, "here we go with the burnt esophagus," only to have it subside 2 days later. So, as of now I am finished with treatment. I have received several phone calls from friends and family congratulating me on ending this long journey. However, to me it feels a bit like a being a baby bird thrown from its nest. The question being, will I fly? Now we just sit back and wait for the next scan in February (ironically, almost exactly one year from the first day I landed in Aspen Valley Hospital) and hope that there is nothing new to report. I do have many other things to share with you so stay posted.

I hope everyone has a great holiday with their families. I am spending this Christmas with Ryan and Ruffus at home. We don't exchange gifts because we already have so much. So this Christmas we are just happy to feel healthy and feel very lucky that we have each other.

Sending big love,
Kristine

The Cold Hard Facts

On November 15th, I had my first scans since the surgery. I was desperate to get the results before I had my port removed. I called several times with no return phone call from the oncologist office, which I let slide because I knew that I was not the emergency of the hour. I remember being the emergency and getting a call back within minutes and now it was some other cancer patient needing the doctor's attention more then I did, thank god. Finally, after the fifth phone call and the night before my port removal, I received a very rushed phone call from the doctor's assistant while she was running for her train. She told me that everything looked great, my scans looked the same as my last ones. This was very disheartening, being that my last scans were before surgery, they couldn't possibly look the same. So I made an appointment to see the doctor to talk to him directly.

When I arrived I went to visit the nurses in the chemo ward and they treated me like a celebrity. Lots of, "You look so amazing" and "we are so happy to see you!" It must be very rewarding for them to have one of their very sick patients walk in with the glow of life instead of the pain of cancer on her face. I received a huge hug from my favorite nurse Linda. I feel like she has become one of my family.

I then went into see the doctor and all I can tell you right now is that the scans looked good. Because they are the first scans after my surgery they are more of a benchmark for us to compare future scans against. He was impressed by my blood counts, which were almost back to normal and he was very optimistic about the future. At the end he asked me if I had any questions. I replied, "if there is one thing I have learned over the last 10 months, it's that there are no real answers to the questions I have." No one can really tell me if this cancer will come back. No one can really tell me how long I may have to live. However, these are the questions any cancer patient wonders. I decided a long time ago to stop asking and to make up my own answers -- they're much better then any a doctor would give. I don't give myself long winded responses that never really touch on the question. Instead I answer bravely, because in these moments you must be brave and a bit over confident, I've beat cancer and will continue to do so. It will not show it's ugly face in my life again. I have won. I want to believe this. I have to believe this. Because any other answer is unacceptable. My trophy is my life and I will live it just like I did before this disease -- like everyday could be my last.

Inspiration

This week I have been inspired by my friends, but let me back up a few months. When I was first diagnosed with cancer back in February, I was talking to my friend Leigh who lives in Florida. She told me about a place called the Hippocrates Health Institute. Her husband Jason went there when he was younger for alternative treatment and he swears it changed his life. Leigh recently ran into one of the directors of Hippocrates at a party. She directly asks him if they believed in their ability to cure cancer through their methods. His reply was, "Absolutely, we are shocked when we can't cure cancer."

Their philosophy is to teach a new way of living through diet and fitness. And the focus is on living foods, also known as a raw diet. Yes, you heard me correctly, raw!! Can you imagine never having cooked foods again? Neither could I before I had cancer, but I knew that at some point I needed to hear what they had to say and at least give it a chance. Many of you out there know me and my love for food, dessert, coffee... pretty much any kind of eating period! However, when you have gone through what I have in the last year, you learn to embrace any possibility that could make you well. I keep telling myself that all I can do is try. If the cancer ever comes back, at least I'll know I did everything possible to beat it.

Anyway, I've been on the fence about going because I know I'm going to miss so many foods that I enjoy. I was really having trouble with the idea of shelling out a bunch of money to spend three weeks learning how to avoiding eating my favorite foods. But then I got a phone call from Leigh. She had decided that she was going to motivate me by helping to raise the funds, and she would do it leading by example. She told me she was starting herself on a raw food diet for 30 days and would have people sponsor her for every day she stuck with it -- like a charity walk. She sent out an e-mail to all of her friends and family and challenged them to do the same thing in their own communities.

Well, Leigh's update is amazing. She started the day after Thanksgiving and has inspired two more of my friends. Elaine in San Francisco and Megan in Portland, Maine are both doing maRAWthons. I've been keeping close tabs on these girls and let me tell you, they're not only sticking to the diet, they're even kind of liking it, which makes me excited to start myself. They say that they have more energy and feel better then they have in a long time. Elaine told me today that the experience has really impacted her and that she may never go back to the way she used to eat.How great is it to have friends like these in my life? I keep asking myself how I got so lucky to have such great friends and family. I just had to share with all of you what these three amazing women are doing. I thought maybe if they could hear words of encouragement from me and all of you out there, it would help them get through their 30 days. If you want too learn more, go to the hippocrates web site at http://www.hippocratesinst.com/
Love ya, Kristine

One day at a time

So much has been happening in the last couple weeks I am not even sure where to start. My biggest news is that last Wednesday I got my port removed from my right hip. I had a lot of mixed feelings about having it removed. It is weird to want to keep something foreign in your body but at this point it had healed over and it didn't give me any pain. The scary part about cancer is that once you have had it, in the back of your mind, you are always going to wonder if it is going to come back or not. The bad part of keeping the port is that you have to have it accessed every six weeks to make sure it has not clotted over....not fun. Also, the fact that no one could really access it easily was always a problem. So with that being said I decided to go for it and have it removed. I have to tell you I was very stressed out about the procedure. When it was put in back in February it was a very painful experience. This is an out patient surgery so they pretty much numb the spot with Novocain and go to work. During the surgery I could feel them shoving the tubing under my skin and I was not a happy camper. It hurt like hell and I was shaking and crying on the table. So you can only imagine how I felt walking back in there to have it removed. Well, I won't drag this out and I will just tell you that it was another classic case of worrying about things before they even happen. The surgery went really well and there was minimal pain. I could feel them stitching me up but it felt like nothing more then maybe a prick to your finger with a needle. I do have some bruising and an incision about two inches. Some of my pants cut right through the area but other then that it was a cake walk in my world of hospital visits. I want to tell you more about radiation but I will save that for next time. Kristine