The Cold Hard Facts

On November 15th, I had my first scans since the surgery. I was desperate to get the results before I had my port removed. I called several times with no return phone call from the oncologist office, which I let slide because I knew that I was not the emergency of the hour. I remember being the emergency and getting a call back within minutes and now it was some other cancer patient needing the doctor's attention more then I did, thank god. Finally, after the fifth phone call and the night before my port removal, I received a very rushed phone call from the doctor's assistant while she was running for her train. She told me that everything looked great, my scans looked the same as my last ones. This was very disheartening, being that my last scans were before surgery, they couldn't possibly look the same. So I made an appointment to see the doctor to talk to him directly.

When I arrived I went to visit the nurses in the chemo ward and they treated me like a celebrity. Lots of, "You look so amazing" and "we are so happy to see you!" It must be very rewarding for them to have one of their very sick patients walk in with the glow of life instead of the pain of cancer on her face. I received a huge hug from my favorite nurse Linda. I feel like she has become one of my family.

I then went into see the doctor and all I can tell you right now is that the scans looked good. Because they are the first scans after my surgery they are more of a benchmark for us to compare future scans against. He was impressed by my blood counts, which were almost back to normal and he was very optimistic about the future. At the end he asked me if I had any questions. I replied, "if there is one thing I have learned over the last 10 months, it's that there are no real answers to the questions I have." No one can really tell me if this cancer will come back. No one can really tell me how long I may have to live. However, these are the questions any cancer patient wonders. I decided a long time ago to stop asking and to make up my own answers -- they're much better then any a doctor would give. I don't give myself long winded responses that never really touch on the question. Instead I answer bravely, because in these moments you must be brave and a bit over confident, I've beat cancer and will continue to do so. It will not show it's ugly face in my life again. I have won. I want to believe this. I have to believe this. Because any other answer is unacceptable. My trophy is my life and I will live it just like I did before this disease -- like everyday could be my last.