Where To Start?

Today I am not happy. I am extremely frustrated. I received bad news from Dr Staddon on my latest scans yesterday. I have to say I was blind sided. I was really expecting good news. My lingering dry cough has diminished to where I barely noticed it anymore and I have been feeling amazing. I really expected him to say that things looked great. Instead I was told that there are several new nodules on my lungs and the ones that were there before have increased in size. Now we are talking millimeters for the new ones and centimeters for the older ones. Not the news I was expecting.

For the first time since I have been diagnosed, I am angry. I feel like I have changed my life dramatically with my new diet. I am constantly doing shots of wheatgrass and green juice. I lug that juicer with me everywhere I go, thinking it will make the difference. I drive 45 minutes every week to buy 5 pounds of wheatgrass from a grower. This lifestyle is time consuming and limited. For the last month I have fallen off the raw diet thinking that what I was doing with the juicing and wheatgrass would be enough. Now, I somehow have to find the motivation to get strict again. I want to be able to go raw a %100 but I am not sure if I can do it.

Today when I was complaining to one of my friends and talking about giving up this idea of going raw. She reminded me that maybe my news would have been worse if I had not been taking care of myself the way I have been. She is right. I just keep thinking about my friend Andrea that never got any good news from any of her scans. It could be worse. It can always be worse. However, today I am going to be angry, pissed off and mad at the world. Today I ask, WHY ME? I just want my life to be normal again. Tears of frustration are running down my face as I write.

One thing I do know is that whatever I decide I won't give up without a fight. It is a built in Becker trait. I won't go down that easy. Maybe this anger is exactly what I need to get serious again. I do have one more holistic option in my back pocket. I will tell you about that later. I told Dr. Staddon what I wanted to do and he was as supportive as I could have hoped. He wants to start me on a new chemo regime pronto. However, he did say I had some time if I wanted to try something else. He, of course, had no other options except chemo, chemo and more chemo. That is still my last resort.

For now, please don't worry about me. I will win. There is no other option.

Kristine

Fast, Faster, Fastest

Mentally preparing for my upcoming scans made me start to think about everything or anything I could do to help get positive results. On top of my extreme diet there are other ways to help my body heal itself. One of those ways would be fasting. I have yet to try a fast for a number of reasons. First of all I didn't want to lose any more weight. The other reason is that you should stay pretty mellow during your fast and I always have way too many plans. The last reason and probably the most difficult reason is the no eating any food thing. I just didn't think I would make it through even one day without eating. With all of this on my mind I knew in my heart that I had to try everything to get rid of this pesky cough and heal my body. So, I put aside three days on my calender and made no plans but to sit around and watch funny movies, read books and talk on the phone. For 72 hours I would eat nothing. I would nourish myself with green juice made from cucumber, celery, Kale, broccoli and sprouts. Of course I also had my wheat grass shots.

The day before I started I went to pick up my wheat grass from Loretta. She has been living the raw lifestyle for many years and has also attended Hippocrates several times. I told her that I was going to start a fast and I must have sounded unhappy about it because she told me that I needed to be excited about the fast and to remember the good it would do my body. She told me to celebrate the three days and to enjoy not having to worry about food. I loved that exchange and I immediately changed my attitude. I embraced the idea and I started to look forward to how I would feel.

Before I go any further I just want to quickly explain to those of you that don't understand why a fast is important. I like to explain it as a spring cleaning for the body. When your body doesn't have to digest food it is left with lots of energy to heal and to clean out unwanted cells. It also helps to clean out the bowels where people can have several pounds of sledge compacted in their bowels. (I know too much information right?) I remember years ago in San Francisco when friends of mine would do cleanses or fasts and I thought they were totally nuts. Now I can't help thinking if I would have given my body a chance to cleanse itself maybe I wouldn't be in this predicament.

So I started the fast on a Wednesday and day one went pretty smoothly. I drank lots of green juice and never really felt too hungry. I woke up day two with lots of energy and felt great. I kept thinking that I was going to feel weak so when friends called to go shopping or hang out I declined and stayed put on the couch. By day three I was amazed that I was not really hungry and I still had tons of energy. I finally agreed to go out and run around with one of my friends --I could not sit on the couch for another minute. My fast was to end at 7pm Friday night and Ryan and I had plans to eat together. (I made him eat all of his meals outside the house so I wouldn't be tempted.) By the time dinnertime arrived I had serious thoughts of continuing my fast. I wasn't really hungry at all. I definitely felt like I could have gone for another day or two. The only draw back for me was that I did lose 6 pounds. I didn't want to lose any more weight so I decided to stick with the plan and start eating again.

The fast was a great experience and I definitely think I would do another at some point. Hopefully the small break I gave my body will bring good news on Thursday. I, of course, will keep you posted.

Kristine

Happy Birthday To Me!

Can you believe it has been a year since my surgery!? It is amazing that a year has gone by already. I am just really grateful to have another birthday. There were many times that I wondered if I would make it 38 but here I am going strong. I am now shooting for 40. Do I dare to dream of 50?

Most of you know how much I love my birthday. I call it my own personal holiday. I pretty much celebrate for the whole month of August. Going home to Michigan was part of that celebration. I have only been home a few days and now I am heading to the Jersey Shore to celebrate with my good friend Roey. We both share the same birthday of August 21st. Now I do have a couple years on her but she graciously never brings that up. Now that is a good friend.

The interesting part of my birthday is that it doesn't just mean good times anymore. My birthday now coincides with scan time. Yes, that is right it is already time for those pesky scans again. When I arrived home from Michigan I had received in the mail a confirmation of my next scan. It was supposed to be Monday the 18th. Whenever I get a scan I usually get the results two days later which would have been Wednesday the 20th. As much as I am expecting good news from these scans I wasn't willing to chance this years birthday. I guess you are probably figuring by this point that, yes I did change the scan to Wednesday 8/20 in the early morning. Right after I am heading to the shore with my friends and I am going to enjoy this weekend. I am not going to receive my results until Thursday the 28th. Last time I was not expecting good results. My cough had been non stop and I knew that it couldn't be good. This time I will be shocked if things don't look better. My cough gets better everyday. It is not gone by any means but I feel like I am winning this battle.

Last year I wanted nothing for my birthday except to wake up from open heart surgery. I actually didn't wake up until the next day. : ( This year I just want to be present and alive. I want to live in the moment, swim in the ocean, be with friends and Ryan and just plain soak it all in. I will cherish my 38th birthday and look forward to 39. Thank-you all for making this a life worth fighting for. Big Love,

Kristine

Vacation....All I Ever Wanted.

What an amazing two weeks!! I had such a good time visiting with all of my friends and family back in Michigan. As always with my life it was a whirlwind and there was never a dull moment. I will give you the run down.

Ruffus and I drove 12 hours from Philadelphia to Grand Haven, Michigan all by ourselves. I was worried about making it all of that way without anyone to drive with me. I tried to talk a few friends and family members into doing the drive with me but no takers. I made it in 12 hours flat and had the best time road tripping alone. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I think I talked to half of you during my journey so a big thank-you to all of you that kept me busy chatting for most of the drive. The cabin we rented was beautiful and so relaxing. We were only 100 yards from the beach which was amazing. The only catch was the 100 steps you had to climb down to get to the beach. Down wasn't so bad. Up was a killer. Every morning and evening I would take Ruffus to the beach where he had the time of his life. I love watching that dog run. It warms my heart. I also had the privilege of meeting two of my cousins for the first time! How did I go 37 years without knowing them? They were so much fun and I can't wait to see them again sometime soon. A week went by fast but we plan on trying to make it an annual event.

I left on Friday and headed to Saginaw. It is weird to be back in Saginaw and not really have any of my family living there anymore. I can not even begin to describe how much fun our 20 year high school reunion was. It started out on Friday night with a happy hour that went on until 4 am. After sleeping in the next day and a quick trip to the Fashion Square Mall, we got ready for the reunion. It was great to see everyone together. We have such a great group of people in our class. People say that you will be shocked at how bad people look at their 20 year reunion. Well I guess our class is an exception to the rule. Everyone looked fantastic. Most people stayed until the end and then we had a big group continue for after hours until 5 am. I have not stayed out this late or have had as much fun in a really long time. It was really nice to connect with old friends. I just hope I can do a better job of keeping in touch this time around. A big shout out to the class of "88" I think the only thing that was missing from our party was some Led Zeppelin. Gumby's Group knows what I am talking about. : )

I then went back to my sister Stephanie's house and got to spend some quality time with her and the kids. It was nice to be there with them all to myself. Usually I float into town stay three days and have a crazy schedule. Kids usually don't warm up to people when you are only there an hour. This time I got to hang out with my nieces. We went to the water park one day and Kate and I got to go down the big slide together and Sarah was sitting on my lap by the end of my stay. They are such good girls. I can't wait to see them again.

Then I got to pick Ryan up at the airport and headed up to my parents cabin. It is truly an oasis there. They have 130 acres of land with no neighbors and a large fishing pond. We finally got to just relax and play lots of cards. If you know me at all you know I love to play cards. I could play from the minute I get up until late into the night. We usually played until midnight then everyone would be exhausted and head to bed. I somehow talked my mom into staying up every night an extra hour and playing a card game called Golf. I am still undefeated. Sorry mom, maybe next time.

Then last but not least we drove back to Stephanie's house in White Lake where we hosted an appreciation party for all of my friends and family that have supported me through the last year and a half. We had the most amazing blow up slide and pool for the kids, tons of food and lots of laughs. The only bad part to that day was the weather refused to cooperate. It was raining and 65 degrees. That is ridiculous weather for Michigan in August. However, we didn't let it get us down and had so much fun just catching up with everyone. I was truly amazed at all of the people that took the time to come. Some of you even drove as far as three hours to join the party. Thank-you so much for making the effort and taking the time out of your busy lives.

I could have stayed another week in Michigan. The trip was a whirlwind, which is in true Kristine fashion. I wish I could have just stayed still for a moment or two but then my leg would have started shaking and I would have had to dream up some adventure. As most of you know I can't stay in one place too long. I got home on Monday and I am already talking about where I am going next. Stay tuned.

Kristine