Where To Start?

Today I am not happy. I am extremely frustrated. I received bad news from Dr Staddon on my latest scans yesterday. I have to say I was blind sided. I was really expecting good news. My lingering dry cough has diminished to where I barely noticed it anymore and I have been feeling amazing. I really expected him to say that things looked great. Instead I was told that there are several new nodules on my lungs and the ones that were there before have increased in size. Now we are talking millimeters for the new ones and centimeters for the older ones. Not the news I was expecting.

For the first time since I have been diagnosed, I am angry. I feel like I have changed my life dramatically with my new diet. I am constantly doing shots of wheatgrass and green juice. I lug that juicer with me everywhere I go, thinking it will make the difference. I drive 45 minutes every week to buy 5 pounds of wheatgrass from a grower. This lifestyle is time consuming and limited. For the last month I have fallen off the raw diet thinking that what I was doing with the juicing and wheatgrass would be enough. Now, I somehow have to find the motivation to get strict again. I want to be able to go raw a %100 but I am not sure if I can do it.

Today when I was complaining to one of my friends and talking about giving up this idea of going raw. She reminded me that maybe my news would have been worse if I had not been taking care of myself the way I have been. She is right. I just keep thinking about my friend Andrea that never got any good news from any of her scans. It could be worse. It can always be worse. However, today I am going to be angry, pissed off and mad at the world. Today I ask, WHY ME? I just want my life to be normal again. Tears of frustration are running down my face as I write.

One thing I do know is that whatever I decide I won't give up without a fight. It is a built in Becker trait. I won't go down that easy. Maybe this anger is exactly what I need to get serious again. I do have one more holistic option in my back pocket. I will tell you about that later. I told Dr. Staddon what I wanted to do and he was as supportive as I could have hoped. He wants to start me on a new chemo regime pronto. However, he did say I had some time if I wanted to try something else. He, of course, had no other options except chemo, chemo and more chemo. That is still my last resort.

For now, please don't worry about me. I will win. There is no other option.

Kristine