Update On Cancer Gal Pals

I have received an overwhelming personal response to my last posting . So I feel responsible to follow up with more news of the girls. I was supposed to see Andrea this past week but she wasn't really up for company so that has been postponed. I have still not heard from Valerie, but I will try and call her again soon. However, I did get a phone call from Erica last night! We talked for over an hour. I love that girl. Against much criticism she is passing on the chemo regimine and only doing radiation. Her doctors told her she will only have 9 months to live if she goes this route. I say, how many stories have we all heard about doctors telling you how long you have to live and they are completely wrong! She has such a great positive attitude and infectious spirit. I am hoping to see her soon. The crazy part is that the reason she didn't call me back after the second call was that she was in Mexico with her husband! I love that she was somewhere nice and enjoying her life. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend enjoying yours!

Losing It

Last week was an extremely hard week for me. On Thursday I found out about the fertility facts. They were upsetting but reality set in on Friday. I have many friends that I have met through my cancer journey. One of them was my friend Varda. I met her in the dog park about five years ago. She is one of the most quick witted and intelligent people I have ever met. We had always had an arms length relationship until about 6 months ago when she told me that she had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Her cancer actually started out as cervical but went undetected for so long that it spread and became extremely serious. Varda and I would get our dogs together and we would just talk all day. I tried to talk her into going to Hippocrates with me but she was part of a clinical trial for a new chemo and missing even one treatment would get her thrown off the trial. Before I left she was doing really well and had just had a scan that showed no signs of cancer. We were both so excited. I promised her that when I returned I would show her the raw diet and bring Hippocrates to her. I actually called her on Thursday before I went to the doctor and didn't hear back. On Friday I received another call from another friend in the dog park who informed me that Varda passed away on Wednesday and Thursday was her funeral. I just couldn't believe it. Only six weeks ago we were laughing and her scan was clean and now she was gone. Needless to say I was a mess. I am sure many of you have lost loved ones in your lives and nothing ever really prepares you for it. For me, it was my first cancer friend that didn't make it. It hit home. I am still terribly upset by her passing. I truly believe that the chemo just kept breaking down her immune system until it just shut down. Things happened so fast. I will miss her so much and just hope she is in a better place.

Then the next phone call was my friend Andrea. Remember me talking about her before? www.punkrockmommy.org She has also been on chemo for over a year now and she found a growth in her neck that was confirmed to be cancer. They also found spots on her liver. So basically the chemo is not stopping the cancer. It has found a way to spread and is now in one of her major organs. This is very bad news. She talked about going on the intense chemo I was on during my treatment. Since that day it sounds like she is going to look for other options which I am happy to hear about. The doctors told her she had about 6-9 months to live. I am so afraid of that day when I call her cell phone and there is no answer. When will this stop?

After all of this bad news, I decided to try and get in touch with the rest of my cancer friends. Valerie that I met in Radiation has not returned my call. Erica, who I met in Florida at Hippocrates, has not returned any of the three messages I have left. One of the messages included a plea from me to just let me know that she was alright and that I was very worriedabout her. Of course I think the worst. Hopefully they are just in St. Maartin like I was and they are relaxing and enjoying life.

Now that last week is over it really gives me a reality check about my fertility news. Here I am upset about not being able to have my own children. When really I should just be amazed that I am still feeling good and enjoying my life. So if maybe today isn't going so well for you put yourself in any of my friends shoes and feel extremely lucky. As one of my friends late father used to say," We are all just a breath away."

Oh Baby!

Today I went to see a fertility specialist. Ryan and I were thinking about starting a family before my diagnoses. As you can imagine that was put on hold. Now that things are looking up for me we wanted to find out what our options were. We have had many discussions about if having a baby was really a good idea or not. Cancer has a sneaky way of coming back. Especially a cancer as progressive as mine. We decided that we were not going to let cancer dictate our lives. No one knows how long they will live. Who knows I could out live Ryan. We just can not live our lives with the idea that I will not live a long time. It seems to be a very negative place to come from.

So let me back up to one of my first appointments with my Oncologist. My parents were there and my Mother had the foresight to ask if I would be able to have children when this chemo regimen was finished. The doctor pretty much brushed us off and said if I were to get my period back then I would be able to have children. We didn't think that this was a very good answer but at the time we had very little choice in the matter. It was more about saving my life then trying to create another. Until today I just kept thinking that when I got my period back then we could start trying to have a baby. It seemed almost a miracle to us that we could start thinking about the future and the possibility of children. Well, as it turns out a miracle is exactly what it would be for my to have a child of my own. The chemo drugs that I was taking are known to pretty much shut down most women's reproductive organs. My fertility doctor told me today that if I still have eggs it is very likely that they are damaged. I asked if she has ever seen a chemo patient on the drugs I was on conceive. She said, yes... one. I asked about the probability of me conceiving naturally. She said in the very low single digits. I said, "like 5%?" I guess I was shooting high. She made a face and said that it was probably lower due to the fact that I am over thirty.

She then told me the good news. Which is, even though I could not conceive my own child with my eggs, I could still carry a child and use an egg donor with Ryan's sperm. Two of my sisters have offered to do just that. Of course, offering and doing are two different things. Time will tell if the offer still stands. The doctor did order a bunch of tests for me today to check all of my levels. This will tell her if I am in early menopause from the chemo. We have decided to wait awhile before making any quick decisions but as she pointed out, my sisters are not getting any younger either (sorry girls).

Sitting in the doctors office I was very stoic. Similar to when I was diagnosed with cancer. I just took in all of the information and felt like I was talking about some other poor woman's situation. The biggest difference is that today when I got in my car and started driving, tears just started rolling down my face. I think I cried today realizing that there will most likely never be a little Kristine look-a-like crawling around causing trouble and talking back to her mother. I guess any women that has been told she can not have children of her own has gone through this feeling. It is just really sad to me right now. However, I have so many friends that have adopted children and have used egg donors and have beautiful families. There is still so much hope.

Sweet Vacation

I meant to write before we left but as you all know, getting ready for a vacation is overwhelming!! Ryan and I are in Saint Maartin in the Carribean. This is a much needed get away. We are just relaxing, going to the beach, and, of course, a little shopping. The weather has been perfect. We are just enjoying being alive! We have not taken a vacation since our last Feb. visit to Aspen which you all know didn't turn out so well.

I will be continuing my blog writing when we return next week on Thursday. Ryan has been reading a book called The China Study. It is about how food effects our bodies and it has a lot of scientific facts that support everything I have been writing about. So, look for a blog posting from Ryan soon. He is dog earring pages that he wants to share with you. Hope you are well. We are sending you big love from the Carribean.

Kristine

Radiation Everywhere!

I have been putting off writing about this topic because it is really overwhelming all of the information that I have been given in the past few months. I am going to try and cover as much as possible today.

I will start by talking about my past treatments. First of all I will touch on my chemotherapy. I find that it is just a crazy way to fight disease. You basically pump the body full of poison and slowly kill everything including all of your good cells with the hope that you will be able to kill or slow down the bad ones. In the process many people actually end up dying from chemo rather then dying from cancer. I was one of the lucky few that was able to bounce back from chemo. However, what price did I pay for that regimen? I just think about what my heart and kidneys had to go through just to process out all of the toxic chemicals. Actually, what they are still going through. They say it will take up to a year until my body is back to normal. Some day I think we will look back at the chemo process like we look back at blood letting. CRAZY!!

Then came radiation. This is one of the most interesting parts of my treatment because you could actually watch my skin changing color everyday. First of all let me tell you about my visit with the radiologist. He was a very nice man but while I was there he told me that usually sarcoma's do not respond to radiation. O.K. so why I am I doing it then?? I look back on my experience and realize that I did not ask many questions or challenge the things that were being done to me. I just followed like a good little patient and trusted everything the doctors told me. I now wish that I would have been better informed and had asked more questions. For instance, doesn't radiation cause cancer?? I am confused why a cancer patient would be subjected to 2 months of radiation. When I was getting my treatments the girls would set me up and then close a metal door that was about 6 inches thick and leave the room because they did not want to be exposed to any radiation. Interesting?? Now my skin got darker and darker as my treatments continued. When I finished I had a burn the size of a small salad plate on my shoulder. The skin eventually peeled off and you could no longer even see that I had any kind of treatment. It was very similar to getting burned by the sun. Then I went to Hippocrates and they started me on my cleanse. Part of my cleanse involved supplements to help get the toxins and chemicals out of my body. After about one week the burn mark from my radiation started to reappear. It is crazy to think that after a month I still was still carrying around those damaging toxins from my radiation and my body was getting rid of them the same way it received them. Through my skin. My skin is still discolored until this day. I am watching it carefully because I feel like it is part of this healing journey to rid myself of all of the poisons that have been pumped into my poor body.

While I attended Hippocrates many of the lectures talk about radiation and how we are all exposed everyday and how that is effecting our health. I think one of the most powerful points was when they talked about why the cancer rate in Marin county is higher then any where else in the world. They do lectures up there quite a bit and many people will approach them and say, "I don't understand why I have cancer because I have been a raw vegan for ten years and have followed your program to the tee." The answer is quite scary. Marin county is extremely beautiful with rolling hills everywhere. It is also a place of great wealth where people demand the best of everything. This being said it also contains the most cell phone towers of any where in the country. They are unavoidable. These towers send out so much radiation everyday. There are so many towers so close together and the ironic part is that they still don't get great reception. So it is not only about what you put in your body but it is also about the environment you live in. Let me elaborate.

Chemicals on our food of course, but how about the chemicals in our cleaning products, hair and make up products, soaps and body cleansers. Have you ever read any of these labels? The ingredients are filled with all sorts of chemicals that you nor I could even pronounce. There are natural products available but for some reason we just continue using what we know. I am still doing it!! I need to take my own advice. Everyday I change something in my environment. I am not throwing everything out of my house but when I am finished and it is time to buy a new product. I am reading labels. My body deserves that.

Now lets talk about electronics. This is some scary stuff. We are using cell phones non stop. How many of us don't even have home pones anymore? The statistics are unsettling. I did not challenge where they got their facts but I will just pass on what I was told.

1. Using a cell phone more then an hour a week can cause brain damage that can lead to cancer.

2. Children under the age of 16 using cell phones are 48 times more likely to get brain cancer. Yes I did say 48 more times.

3. Using computers is a direct form of radiation. Using lap tops on your actual laps is radiation going right to your reproductive areas. Put something in between you and your computer! Working all day on computers isn't only hard on the eyes.

4. T.V.'s also give off radiation. Be careful not to sit too close. How about how long our kids play video games. YIKES!

5. Going through airport x-ray machines of course have radiation but did you know the whole time you are on the plane you are getting radiation as well. Have you ever wondered why pilots and flight attendants can only work so many hours? They are also known to be among the sickest professionals.

I feel like there are many more examples but I can not think of anymore right now. This is our world and technology is not going anywhere. I don't mean to lecture or try and scare you. I am just the messenger. We all need to look at how much of this is in our daily lives and try and reduce it as much as possible. There is a product I will tell you about called Bio Pro. They are small devices that fit onto your computers and cell phones. They also have pendants and small credit cards that fit in your wallet. Basically what these products do is that they absorb the radiation so it is deflected from entering our bodies. I am not good at the technical info so if you want more info or details or studies on these findings. Then check out their website at http://www.bioprotechnology.ca/I have yet to buy any of these for myself because they are expensive but I definitely see the value.

Sorry this blog is so long winded. There was just so much I wanted to say. I hope none of you feel like I am lecturing you because that is not my motivation. I just really want to make sure that I have passed on everything I have learned. What you do with it is your choice. Take good care of yourselves. Love ya,

Kristine

P.S. I found this article that pretty much just states all of the same facts I have been telling you about food. However, sometimes it takes hearing it from multiple sources so if you have time check it out.
http://health.yahoo.com/experts/drmao/12623/food-safety-what-you-need-to-know

GI JANE

People say that I look like Demi Moore in the movie GI Jane with my new very short hair style. While I was at Hippocrates I wore my wig for the first few days because it was pretty cool and the wig is just like a really nice hat that keeps me warm. As the days went by the temperatures went up and the wig came off. There were a lot of comments on how cute my hair was and how lucky I was that I looked good in short hair and even one guy accused me of having a twin sister with a short red bob. Pretty funny stuff. One night we all went out bowling and one of the guys said I can not imagine you with long hair. I then proceeded to pull out my drivers licence and show everyone my pre chemo look. Everyone said that they liked the short hair better. I am not sure if it was just because they had gotten used to me with my crew cut or if they really meant it. I would like to think that they meant it.

Then comes the real world where people are just being themselves and they don't know me at all. First of all this past weekend Ryan and I went to the mall and I was buying something in one of the stores with my credit card and the young sales clerk asks me for ID. I pull out my license and she looks at the picture and then looks at me with a smirk and says, "When did you cut your hair so short?" (You know she was thinking bad hair cut lady!!) I couldn't resist. I had to reply, "I actually didn't cut it. I had cancer and it fell out during chemo." She was actually really sweet and asked if everything was better now. I of course responded, "yes." I do however, think she will think twice before asking anyone about their hairstyle choices.

Then today I went to the movies with a couple of friends and I was walking toward our designated theatre and I bypassed the man taking the tickets. He of course yells out, "Excuse me Sir!" I then turn around and he immediately says Miss, but by now the damage is done. I of course laugh it off but it does make one think. Cute or not so cute. Maybe all of you keep telling me my hair looks great because lets face it, it looks better then bald, but does it really look good. I am not quite sold. I keep waiting for it to get long enough that I will actually need a haircut and I can have some sort of style other then GI Jane. We all love Demi but not even a movie star could make that hair style work for long. Love ya,

Kristine

P.S. I will try and have Ryan put up a picture of the new hair sometime soon......