Losing It

Last week was an extremely hard week for me. On Thursday I found out about the fertility facts. They were upsetting but reality set in on Friday. I have many friends that I have met through my cancer journey. One of them was my friend Varda. I met her in the dog park about five years ago. She is one of the most quick witted and intelligent people I have ever met. We had always had an arms length relationship until about 6 months ago when she told me that she had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Her cancer actually started out as cervical but went undetected for so long that it spread and became extremely serious. Varda and I would get our dogs together and we would just talk all day. I tried to talk her into going to Hippocrates with me but she was part of a clinical trial for a new chemo and missing even one treatment would get her thrown off the trial. Before I left she was doing really well and had just had a scan that showed no signs of cancer. We were both so excited. I promised her that when I returned I would show her the raw diet and bring Hippocrates to her. I actually called her on Thursday before I went to the doctor and didn't hear back. On Friday I received another call from another friend in the dog park who informed me that Varda passed away on Wednesday and Thursday was her funeral. I just couldn't believe it. Only six weeks ago we were laughing and her scan was clean and now she was gone. Needless to say I was a mess. I am sure many of you have lost loved ones in your lives and nothing ever really prepares you for it. For me, it was my first cancer friend that didn't make it. It hit home. I am still terribly upset by her passing. I truly believe that the chemo just kept breaking down her immune system until it just shut down. Things happened so fast. I will miss her so much and just hope she is in a better place.

Then the next phone call was my friend Andrea. Remember me talking about her before? www.punkrockmommy.org She has also been on chemo for over a year now and she found a growth in her neck that was confirmed to be cancer. They also found spots on her liver. So basically the chemo is not stopping the cancer. It has found a way to spread and is now in one of her major organs. This is very bad news. She talked about going on the intense chemo I was on during my treatment. Since that day it sounds like she is going to look for other options which I am happy to hear about. The doctors told her she had about 6-9 months to live. I am so afraid of that day when I call her cell phone and there is no answer. When will this stop?

After all of this bad news, I decided to try and get in touch with the rest of my cancer friends. Valerie that I met in Radiation has not returned my call. Erica, who I met in Florida at Hippocrates, has not returned any of the three messages I have left. One of the messages included a plea from me to just let me know that she was alright and that I was very worriedabout her. Of course I think the worst. Hopefully they are just in St. Maartin like I was and they are relaxing and enjoying life.

Now that last week is over it really gives me a reality check about my fertility news. Here I am upset about not being able to have my own children. When really I should just be amazed that I am still feeling good and enjoying my life. So if maybe today isn't going so well for you put yourself in any of my friends shoes and feel extremely lucky. As one of my friends late father used to say," We are all just a breath away."