Oh Baby!

Today I went to see a fertility specialist. Ryan and I were thinking about starting a family before my diagnoses. As you can imagine that was put on hold. Now that things are looking up for me we wanted to find out what our options were. We have had many discussions about if having a baby was really a good idea or not. Cancer has a sneaky way of coming back. Especially a cancer as progressive as mine. We decided that we were not going to let cancer dictate our lives. No one knows how long they will live. Who knows I could out live Ryan. We just can not live our lives with the idea that I will not live a long time. It seems to be a very negative place to come from.

So let me back up to one of my first appointments with my Oncologist. My parents were there and my Mother had the foresight to ask if I would be able to have children when this chemo regimen was finished. The doctor pretty much brushed us off and said if I were to get my period back then I would be able to have children. We didn't think that this was a very good answer but at the time we had very little choice in the matter. It was more about saving my life then trying to create another. Until today I just kept thinking that when I got my period back then we could start trying to have a baby. It seemed almost a miracle to us that we could start thinking about the future and the possibility of children. Well, as it turns out a miracle is exactly what it would be for my to have a child of my own. The chemo drugs that I was taking are known to pretty much shut down most women's reproductive organs. My fertility doctor told me today that if I still have eggs it is very likely that they are damaged. I asked if she has ever seen a chemo patient on the drugs I was on conceive. She said, yes... one. I asked about the probability of me conceiving naturally. She said in the very low single digits. I said, "like 5%?" I guess I was shooting high. She made a face and said that it was probably lower due to the fact that I am over thirty.

She then told me the good news. Which is, even though I could not conceive my own child with my eggs, I could still carry a child and use an egg donor with Ryan's sperm. Two of my sisters have offered to do just that. Of course, offering and doing are two different things. Time will tell if the offer still stands. The doctor did order a bunch of tests for me today to check all of my levels. This will tell her if I am in early menopause from the chemo. We have decided to wait awhile before making any quick decisions but as she pointed out, my sisters are not getting any younger either (sorry girls).

Sitting in the doctors office I was very stoic. Similar to when I was diagnosed with cancer. I just took in all of the information and felt like I was talking about some other poor woman's situation. The biggest difference is that today when I got in my car and started driving, tears just started rolling down my face. I think I cried today realizing that there will most likely never be a little Kristine look-a-like crawling around causing trouble and talking back to her mother. I guess any women that has been told she can not have children of her own has gone through this feeling. It is just really sad to me right now. However, I have so many friends that have adopted children and have used egg donors and have beautiful families. There is still so much hope.