Keep Phighting!

Just a quick update to say that Kristine is doing great. She enjoyed the floor bike pedels so much the other day in physical therapy that she has started going down the hall to the "gym" to pedal away in the morning. She also had her staples removed from her head. They looked a lot more intimidating in her head than out.

I also thought I'd give a shout out to the Philadelphia Phillies after their big World Series win. The car horns were sounding off all night in the city. It seems like it's a good year to be in Philly and overcome the odds. Keep up the good philly phight 'stine, we're all rooting for you.

Turn the Beat Around

Kristine's state of mind took a 180 degree turn for the better today. She is bright and alive again -- joking, laughing and smiling. It was amazing to see a more familiar Kristine shining through the second I walked in the door. It's not clear what helped her to break through the depression or how long this positive mood will last. Her physical therapy session may have helped. Kristine used a floor pedal bike that allows one's nonfunctional leg to move in a reciprocal motion powered by one's strong leg. She lit up just talking about the experience as it made her feel a little closer to normal. She was also able to move her leg a little more in a sitting position, pushing it an inch farther forward and pulling it back into its original place.

Kristine even joked about her condition with some self deprecating humor. She said that she should have t-shirts made that say, "left legs are for losers." We also joked about a comment she made several days ago in the hospital. While watching Britney Spears' new music video on VH1, Kristine said, "if Britney can make a comeback so can I." I think she can probably find better inspiration, like Gloria Estefan who turned her own beat around when she was paralyzed after a bus accident. Regardless, Kristine seams to have regained her will to live and fight to rebound from this little set back. Now we just need the neurotransmitters in her brain to reconnect and get her muscles moving again.

Up for Visitors

The first real day in physical rehab was a little hectic. The center was short staffed today so therapists were covering for each other. Kristine got in a really good session in the afternoon though. She worked on standing with limited aid from the therapist, strengthening her core abdominal muscles to regain balance while sitting up (surprisingly very difficult) and pivoting into her wheelchair. The therapist commented that she was doing great and that it often takes patients weeks to display as much control as she did in just her third day. This is still a long road though when we are talking about regaining the ability to simply sit up straight without falling forward.

Kristine met with the neuropsychologist this morning. It seamed like just the short 30 minute talk helped to clear her mind and set her at ease. Both the psychologist and the primary physician agreed on a change to Kristine's medication schedule that promises to better manage the sudden and painful leg spasms she has been getting and the anxiety that is inhibiting her mood. Tomorrow will tell.

The psychologist also agreed that having friends into visit would be therapeutic. Early and late afternoon look like they will be good time blocks to visit during the week since Kristine is not in therapy (weekends will likely be more open). If you are interested in visiting please text Kristine's phone or email me and we will coordinate a time.

A New Week Ahead

Kristine moved into her room at the physical rehab center on Friday. The center is brand new, remodeled from the hospital that had previously occupied the space. It's design utilizes modern accents that are more hotel than hospital and the staff has been extra helpful and hospitable. Kristine's mood changed for the better once she settled into the new location, partly a result of the new, calmer environment but mostly due to being out of the hospital after 9 days.

Since we checked in Friday afternoon we essentially got the weekend staff. As a result Kristine's rehabilitation schedule was limited for the first few days. The physical therapists were able to work with her for about an hour on Saturday and two hours on Sunday, short of the approximately three hours of therapy per day that she can expect during the week. Kristine has been getting cramps and spasms in her functioning right leg as the muscles shorten from inactivity. The pain has been coming on more frequently and has grown more severe. Because of this pain in her leg she has been eager, if not impatient, to start moving her body regularly. The pain has also exacerbated her anxiety and depression.

We did have a chance to speak with Kristine's primary doctor here at the center on Friday before she left for the weekend. The doctor was able to give us some clarity on how long Kristine's in-patient stay might be. Based on her current condition and assuming she progresses normally she can expect to stay for about 3-4 weeks. The doctor and her resident explained that the major muscle groups at the shoulder and hip joints are often the first to regain mobility followed by the minor muscle groups in the fingers and toes. They also said that it is almost always the case that the leg muscles come back before those in the arm. So by all estimations Kristine's path to recovery is advancing as expected.

Kristine's father and sister headed back to Michigan on Sunday morning. Monday Kristine will begin a regular routine and Kristine's mom and I will start to work out a routine of our own. I have been staying the night in the hospital and at the center, but as you can image chair sleeping coupled with regular waking for bed pan duty is taking its toll. We all have to start trying to achieve some normalcy, "some" being the operative word. Our goal for this week is to reestablish control through more structure rather than reacting to whatever is thrown our way.

Just because you're losing, doesn't mean you're lost

Kristine has officially reached the end of her rope staying at the hospital now for a full week. Her muscles and joints are sore from being in bed for hours and days on end. She has become very depressed with her situation and sitting around inactive and dwelling on it just exacerbates her mood. The doctor was going to give her an antidepressant but has decided to wait until she can talk to the staff psychologist at the rehab center. This is, of course, preferable so that she can start on a comprehensive plan rather than applying the current ad hoc treatment tactics where every problem has a solution in pill form.

The good news is that Kristine has been cleared for transfer today. The cardiologist, Dr. Miles, is mildly concerned about her irregular heart rate. Concerned enough that under normal circumstances she probably would have left here with a pacemaker. Her heart pauses for seconds at a time -- anywhere from 4-8 seconds. An eight second or longer pause is enough to make her pass out. However, neither Miles nor Staddon feels that it is urgent to have the surgery when there are more urgent issues to contend with, like getting Kristine moving, walking and back in good mental health. Fortunately she will be under observation at the center for at least a couple of weeks.

Kristine has started to talk on the phone as long as she doesn't have to talk about herself too much. She slips into a better mood when she is engaged in conversation about other people's drama. She is still not up for visitors, but hopefully that will change once she has started rehab.

At this point we are just trying to keep her upbeat, distracted from the pain and moving forward toward the future. Stealing from the lyrics by the band Coldplay, "just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost, doesn't mean I'll stop." I am confident that Kristine will find her way and push ahead. She just needs more time to gather the strength and believe in herself again.

A Leg Up

Kristine's father Jim and I went on a wild goose hunt yesterday. We drove around the city in search of a delicious black & white milkshake. Jim nearly thought he had lost his mind when I dropped him off at 18th street and told him that Ben & Jerry's was just a block in the other direction. He must of walked up and down the block 6 times before I jumped out to validate that the location had closed. Desperate for a laugh I thought about driving up another couple of blocks and to repeat the whole scenario and mess with him a little, but thought better of it. We finally found what we were looking for at another Ben & Jerry's almost 30 blocks away.

Meanwhile, the neurosurgeon who conducted Kristine's brain operation, Dr. Lee, and his resident stopped by Kristine's hospital room. Dr. Lee asked Kristine how she was doing and then matter of factly stated, "Well, you will walk again." It was the first time that the doctor had been optimistic about the recovery let alone so flat out affirmative. Kristine, incredulously, said that this was hard to imagine given her current state of immobility. Dr. Lee's resident chimed in and said, "you can move your leg now." Silence fell upon the room with Kristine's mom, Connie, and sister, Stephanie, standing by. Puzzled, Kristine informed them that she had not and could not move her leg nor her arm. At this the doctor disagreed and told her to lift her leg off the bed. There was a pause. Her leg laid still. Then slowly Kristine looked down at her limb and lifted it up off the bed several inches. In disbelief Connie said to Kristine, "I didn't know you could do that!" Kristine replied, "I didn't either!"

Kristine broke into simultaneous laughter and tears the instant she witnessed her accomplishment and again when Jim and I returned with milkshakes to hear and see the story recreated. This is a badly needed catalyst to motivate Kristine forward. Dr. Lee did say that her arm may take longer but generally that she was progressing quite nicely. They are keeping Kristine in the hospital until Friday to evaluate her under the new medication for her irregular heartbeat. Then it's off to rehab.

Keeping Pace

In preparation for Kristine's transfer to a rehabilitation center, Jim (Kristine's dad) and I took a tour of one of the facilities recommended by our team of doctors. The center is within the Penn Health network and is located in the newly renovated Graduate Hospital (now called Pennsylvania Hospital at Rittenhouse). It is a brand new facility with spacious single bedrooms, private accessible bathrooms and brand new rehabilitation equipment. The staff is a mixture of those from Penn Hospital and the Hospital at the University of Penn so they bring a wealth of experience with them. The location of the center is also very convenient being within walking distance from our house. Kristine's parents, not being used to big city parking, are certainly happy about this feature.

Once Kristine is cleared for discharge in the next couple of days she will be on her way to rehab. But as is often the case lately we have more news to digest that could complicate her transition. It seams that Kristine's heart is beating irregularly, meaning that her heart is skipping beats and taking irregular pauses. As you can imagine this is pretty dangerous especially as she gets ready to exert more energy in rehabilitation. The doctors are not certain what is causing the problem. They initially believed that it could be related to the tumor that was removed from her brain or the surgery conducted to resect it. If it is directly related to the surgery Kristine would potentially need a pacemaker to keep her heart rate steady. However, as recently as this morning the doctors shifted a bit to thinking it may be a temporary symptom. For the short term she is on a medication called Theophylline (typically used for airway troubles in asthma patients but has a secondary or "off-brand" use to increase the heart rate). The MRI that Kristine has agreed to have (she has been resistant to a post surgical MRI) will give us more insight into just how serious the problem is. We are really hoping that this new development does not require surgical implementation of a pacemaker. There is a point were additional procedures become inhumane and risk sending Kristine over the edge psychologically.

Kristine's sister Stephanie flew into town yesterday evening. This should give Kristine some additional motivation to move forward. Today's goal: get her out of bed, maybe in a chair and playing a hand or two of cards.

Next Stop: Rehab

Not a whole lot has changed from yesterday. Kristine is out of the ICU and in a standard care room in the hospital. The neurosurgical team is happy with her progress and is recommending that she move to a rehabilitation facility in the next couple of days. They believe that she is in good stable condition and should begin her rehabilitation as soon as possible.

The rehab treatment will be comprised of two phases, in-patient and home care. Kristine will stay at the facility for the in-patient portion until they feel that she has reached her maximum rehabilitation point. This could take weeks or months depending on her progress. In the second phase, social workers will come to our house to establish a suitable long term environment based on Kristine’s status when she leaves in-patient treatment. I plan to do a tour of the two likely Penn Hospital facilities on Tuesday with one of Kristine’s parents. Both centers are within blocks of our house, which makes the transition that much easier. There is a chance that we will choose to do part of the rehab in Houston with Kristine’s parents. This will really depend on the speed and degree of her recovery. A long and less successful recovery will necessitate this route. We will just need to cross that bridge when we come to it.

Aside from the obvious physical therapy services that the rehab center will provide there are also a psychological services. This is becoming increasingly important for Kristine as she continues to question the purpose of fighting on and her fortitude and desire to do so.

More to come tomorrow.

Higher Tides

Even knowing what day or time it is has lost its priority for me and Kristine's mom and dad. We simply hang on to every moment, good and bad, remembering the past, reimagining what the future holds for Kristine and trying to understand the role we will play. We have all run our personal ships aground, hitting rock bottom both physically and emotionally and doing our best not to let Kristine sense our despair. But this morning higher tides fell upon us. Kristine, while being evaluated by the neurological team, wiggled her toes and nearly kicked the doctor over with her left leg -- extremely positive signs on her journey toward recovery.

Although we are cautious not to place too high an expectation on these recent achievements as she is not yet able to repeat them, we are nonetheless hopeful that this is the change in trajectory that Kristine needs to sail forward with confidence. From the minute she awoke from surgery she suppressed all hope, weighed down by a perception that permanent paralysis is her inevitable fate. But it is these small signs of potential that seem to have refueled Kristine's will to fight on. This is evident in the subtle change in language she has begun using and the attitude she has begun to display. She has started referring to her limp left leg as her "heavy leg" instead of her "dead" one. She grabs her limp arm with a little less frustration and a little more determination, shaking it to come alive.

We still have a long way to go yet. A huge psychological barrier sits between Kristine and her recovery as she struggles to cope with her current physical handicap and the cancer that still remains untreated in her body. But as we often remind ourselves in these times of hardship you have to take each moment one step at a time and let the small winds of hope set our course.

Edemame

Kristine is doing OK as of today. She finally was able to get sleep after a long night of restlessness. She also got some solid food in her system (edemame, miso soup, steamed veggies and a piece or two of California roll). It wasn't raw but she has suspended the diet until she can get her strength up and get better.

She had physical therapy today. They were able to get her to sit up on the side of the bed, stretch her legs, arms and neck, and begin to balance herself. There is still no progress in the movement of her left side. However, the neurological team said she has muscle tone in her left limbs and were encouraged by some brief flexing they had seen in her leg and arm.

Kristine is still dealing with a lot of resentment toward and anger at her situation and the prospect of being paralyzed. This will hopefully change with time and as she gets stronger.

Not much new to report but thought I would provide a quick update.

Play Your Hand and Snag A Big One

Kristine was a little more aware and lucid today. She's still throwing out sarcastic comments to her family and the hospital staff. Today though she was equipped with some new emotions, anger and indignation. And she felt compelled to channel these emotions into rants of irritated monologue toward any staff member who was unfortunate enough to enter. She had given a piece of brain that she was not happy to lose and now she was giving them a piece of her mind about it. One responder to the blog made reference to hurricane Omar that hit the US this week, well hurricane Kristine touched land today as a category 5.

She was told by Dr. Staddon in the morning, before we had made it to the hospital, that she may not regain movement in her left side. As you may recall from the last post she was not aware of the increased risk of paralysis that developed after she was sedated. From this point forward she was angry and bitter about her situation, and rightfully so. Here is a woman who has bravely fought so hard through 6 rounds of chemo, open heart surgery, chemo related hallucinations, 37 rounds of radiation, and now brain surgery. And after all this she is now faced with the prospect of being paralyzed on her left side with additional tumors in her brain and lung with which to contend.

As the immediate support team, Kristine's parents and I have been forced to find an appropriate balance. We are very aware that she is fresh off the operating table on medication and needs time to come to terms with her plight. But we also don't want her to fall into any grade of depression that prevents her from making progress toward regaining her left motor skills. We have come to the conclusion that the best way to do this is NOT to tell her that she is strong and that she needs to be positive, this just pisses her off more. Instead we need to prop up her ego, remind her of the people who care so deeply for her and her fighting spirit and, most importantly, make her laugh.

I did attempt to motivate her with a lighthearted analogy from a Becker card playing adage. Kristine's father Jim seems to always win a disproportionate number of card games. And the apple doesn't fall from the tree -- Kristine is always beating me and others by double digit numbers in card games. Jim follows the mantra that you can only play the hand that you're dealt, so you just hope to "snag" a good card. Well it never fails, both Jim and Kristine will grumble and moan at their bleak chances of winning with a lousy hand and then, out of nowhere, they "snag a big card." For me this is a perfect parallel to Kristine's current situation. And just like in cards, you can't snag a big one without always believing it's the next card in the deck.

I think if we can just get her through this initial and completely understandable stage of disappointment and frustration, we will again see the Kristine that we know and love with a voracious appetite for life and maybe even a desire to win a few more card games.

_________________

Shortly after I wrote this post from home Kristine called me from the hospital. She was a mess. She asked me to come stay with her for the night. I agreed as long she asked the nurse. I'm sure the nurse agreed in hopes that Kristine would calm down and get some sleep. I spent a good part of the night trying to make her comfortable by rubbing her legs or moving her arm. She wasn't able to sleep all night. The idea of being paralyzed and still having to fight cancer is occupying her every thought and altering every idea about what her future will look like. The doctors do not want to give her medication firstly because they need her aware to monitor her neurological response and secondly because most options will lower her already low blood pressure. It's been a long night and I just hope that she can get some sleep soon to help her regain a more logical mental perspective. Saturday the physical therapy team will be working with her to get her up and moving. Let's hope for the best.

2 Days That Felt Like an Eternity

The events of last 2 days have been far and away the most difficult that Kristine and I have faced in our entire lives. I’ve not slept at all in over 41 hours so bear with me if my post loses some focus.

After leaving Dr. Staddon’s office on Wednesday evening we were frightened by the diagnosis of brain lesions, but also hopeful that the steroids would temporarily suppress the pressure on Kristine’s brain until we could fully evaluate the options. Kristine struggled to climb the stairs that evening to reach our 3rd floor bedroom. The left leg that she had just hours before lifted almost a foot off the ground now required my assistance to reach the next step.

We went to bed that night but never fell asleep, both of us admitting our fear of missing what could be a final moment together. Kristine struggled to get comfortable and became frustrated by her limited movement. There was a rhythm throughout the night of scared silence and calming conversation. At around 2 in the morning Kristine said that she could no longer move her arm or her leg. Twice I had to literally carry her to and from the bathroom and hold her steady on the toilet. The most heart wrenching moment for me came when Kristine said, “we should be prepared that this could go quickly,” meaning that the situation could be the beginning of a quick and final decline to the end of her life. At 4am as I rotated Kristine’s limp but rigid left arm in circles to maintain its circulation, I decided that this had gone on too long and call an ambulance.

In the ER Kristine’s situation worsened still despite receiving a higher dosage of steroid. Her left limbs began to lose feeling, the left side of her face began to droop and her head throbbed in pain from increased cranial pressure to the point where she would scream out clenching and shaking her right hand. From this point forward the entire day was a roller coaster. The neurosurgical team viewed Kristine’s scans from the previous day. They determined that it was critical to operate within the next two days to remove the tumor on her brain. Within days quickly turned to within hours as they became more concerned over the worsening of her symptoms.

Kristine headed for scans and to the operating table by 11 am. At the time we both agreed that the surgery was worth the limited risk – a less than 5% chance of any complications like permanent paralysis or infection. But shortly after Kristine had been sedated and begun preoperative preparations, Dr. Lee, our Neurosurgeon, spoke with me about their findings from the latest scan. A blood vessel had burst sometime after the previous day’s scan around the tumor. This caused the tumor to expand, blood to fill up around the brain and explained why Kristine’s symptoms had worsened over such a short period of time. Dr. Lee retracted the previous prognosis for a much more disconcerting one. He now said that, “the probability of Kristine regaining full use of her left side was now zero.” There was no other choice though but to continue with the surgery. The alternative, according to the surgeon, was that Kristine would fall into a comma and eventually die.

I was truly pained by this decision, but there is no doubt it was the right one. Kristine is doing great after the surgery. In fact, she has already tried to pull out her intubating tubes (I even warned them about this one from the last surgery) and resorted to calling the nurses, “stingy water bitches” because they will not give her more than ice chips. Nonetheless I am terrified of having to break the news of this increased risk and of her having to cope with paralysis (after all, Kristine does not do well with limitations). Dr. Lee did sound more optimistic after the operation, recognizing that she is young and could regain more movement in her arm and face with only a limited amount of impaired movement in her leg.

Hey, if there is one person I know stubborn enough NOT to give into even paralysis, it’s Kristine.

Roadblock to Recovery

This is Ryan and I'll start by saying that I'm taking back control of the blog, at least for the short term. This is in light of some recent events that I feel require me to debunk myths about Kristine's search for alternative treatments and to address some unexpected turns in her story.

Kristine has been experiencing some loss of motor control in her left leg and arm. Just prior to leaving for Ecuador she noted several occasions where something wasn't quite right. There was one moment where it was difficult to slip on her flip flop and a few others where she had lost her balance and walked into a door frame. She refused to give into what she categorized as a passing impairment of her equilibrium. Her motor skills worsened while in Ecuador. Her ability to walk and lift her left arm increasingly deteriorated. While some of the treatments she was receiving weakened her energy, it was another unexpected and unrelated culprit at work disabling her mobility.

As most of you know by now Kristine is home from South America. She arrived in Philadelphia at around midnight on Tuesday. She was the last to exit the terminal pushed in a wheelchair by an airport worker. She immediately broke into tears upon seeing me, a combination of emotions pouring out. After a long night of talking about the situation, Kristine and I agreed that it was best to see Dr. Staddon as soon as possible. This was a difficult decision for Kristine to make given her reluctance and fear of the solutions that Western medicine are likely to prescribe.

We saw Dr. Staddon at 1 in the afternoon. He performed some routine reflex tests on Kristine's left leg and arm. At that point it was not surprising that both limbs reacted abnormally. The doctor ordered an emergency MRI and CT scan of Kristine's head and neck. It was no sooner that both scans were complete that the Oncology office called us back to discuss the results. Although we could easily predict the outcome it was nonetheless unnerving.

The cancer that started in Kristine's heart and veins and later spread to her lungs, has now metastasized in her brain. There are two lesions (tumors in this case), one about 3.5cm on her right frontal lobe (behind the forehead) and another much smaller one on the right side of her cerebellum (the rearmost part of the brain near the base of the skull). These lesions have caused edema (or swelling) in her brain, which has in turn caused the loss of Kristine's voluntary muscular movement on the left side of her body (you might remember that each hemisphere of the brain controls the opposite side of the body). Additionally, the tumors have caused emotional depression, contributing to Kristine's stress and discomfort while in Ecuador and now at home. It is presumed that these tumors are from the original Sarcoma, the cells from which have traveled through the bloodstream to the brain. It is not thought to be from a new, brain specific form of cancer. This will be an important distinction when we later discuss treatment options.

Kristine is doing as good as can be expected. She is currently on Decadron, a steroid used to reduce inflammation. The drug is expected to eliminate her symptoms for the short term in the next few days while we consider treatment options. We are just trying to keep things light and positive. I will save the details of the potential treatment options for a later post (hopefully within the next day or two). We have an appointment with a Neurosurgeon on Monday morning to discuss his advice.

Ryan

A Sister's Visit

Hi there.

My name is Gretchen and I am one of Kristine's sisters. I just wanted to fill in a few blanks for all of Kristine's friends and family who have been patiently and not so patiently waiting for her next blog. I totally understand the frustration that you all have been experiencing since I too have been waiting for an update.

Before I begin, I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you for all of the support you have given my sister over the many months that she has been enduring this constant roller coaster. I can't begin to express how much the love and support has meant, not only to Kristine, but to her family as well.

I met with Kristine last night at the Miami Airport. YES, SHE IS FINALLY HOME!!!! Even before her friend, Jane, had to leave Ecuador, Kristine realized that staying on her own was not a feasible option. The Oleander juice that she had been drinking on and off during her stay, had many of the same side effects that chemo had on her. It made her very weak and unable to do many things on her own, which made staying there unaccompanied very difficult. In addition to being weak, she is emotionally raw, crying at the slightest emotional encounter. This too is another symptom of the treatment she has been receiving. She has lost some motor skills in her left arm and leg. It is very difficult for her to maneuver herself in and out of a vehicle, up the stairs as well type her daily/weekly blog among other things. Hopefully, Ryan will be giving us some updates when he is able.

To say the least, my 2 hour visit with Kristine was not nearly long enough. It was very difficult for me to watch her walk away, not knowing when I would be seeing her next. Living far apart has been difficult for our whole family. We all wish that we lived much closer so that we could support not only Kristine and Ryan, but each other.

While she is still very weak, please remember that she is still the same strong-willed firecracker that will not ask for help even when she needs it the most. At this point in time, Kristine is in need of the same positive love and support you all have been delivering these past many months.

Thank you again.

g

It Is A Womens Right

The morning after I decided to go home, I started to feel relieved but at the same time so sad. I really felt like this was my chance at healing. I was still crying pretty constantly at his point. Every thought would set me off. At around 10am I received a text from my girlfriend Jane who I met at Hippocrates and she wrote that she wanted me to stay and that she was going to fly in to help me. I immediatley wrote back that it was too late and I had decided to leave. She wrote back again telling me not to give up and to think about it. I replied that I would think about it but my mind was pretty much made up. It took a lot for me to decide to leave. I really did not want to think about staying. I just wanted to put this adventure behind me and to go home to see Ryan and Ruffus.

I spent the afternoon in a state of depression. I could not stop crying and I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown. Before Julie left to return home she gave me the number to her friends Paul and Elona and told me to call them if I needed anything. I am still not sure what made me dial their number. When Paul answered I was crying trying to introduce myself. He immediatley put his wife on the phone and she asked what she could do for me. I really had no idea what they could do for me. She insisted that I come over to their house and have dinner with them and she would do a little treatment on me to see if she could help calm me down. (She is a licensed massage therapist.) The taxi picked me up and brought me red eyed to meet a couple I have never met before. I felt a bit embaressed by what their first impression of me would be like. I told her that and she responded that I was talking with my ego and they were glad I was there. She had clients and Paul was busy in the kitchen. I just curled up in one of their chairs and fell asleep for awhile.

Around 8:30 pm she finally had a little time to spend with me in her treatment room. She suggested that she could realign my chokras. I had a vague idea what that meant but was just grateful for the cozy massage table and the attention. She told me that everything in my body seemed really good except for my emotional chokra. Really? How did she figure that out? She told me that it was like a gas tank with holes in it and you could keep filling it but nothing would stay. She did some different things with oils and rocks and kept talking the whole time. The one thing she said that really struck me was, remember to make your decisions with your heart and not your mind and never make them out of fear. That is exactly why I was making this decision to go home. I mean how many times in my last blogs have you heard me say I was scared. I let this thought sink in over a wonderful dinner that Paul made from scratch. By the time I was leaving to go home I felt so much better. I checked my phone and there was a text from Jane asking me what I had decided. I wrote back that if she was willing to come and help me I would stay at least another week and see how it goes. She arrives in three hours.

I figure if I still decide to come home at least I would have a week in Ecuador with one of my friends. I have not even been downtown yet. Does that sound like me? Fly all the way to Ecuador and not even experience what it is like. That goes against every thread of my being. I still may come home early but I will decide when I am calm and thinking straight instead of a scarred little puppy with her tail between her legs. I know many of you are scared and just want me to come home now and I appreciate you being worried about me. If the shoe was on the other foot I would be worried about you. Today I chose not to be scared and to think with my heart. I know then I will make the right decision. I have always lived my life that way and I must stay true to myself so I have no regrets. Thank you everyone for your support! I love you all.

Kristine

From Bad to Worse

Just when I didn't think things could get any worse, they did. The doctor I am here seeing treats all kinds of illnesses and he has contracted Hepitiitis A from one of his patients. With that being said he is pretty much out of the loop in being able to treat me. I am just hoping that I did not pick it up while I was spending time at his house. You can only get it by using the same utinsels or maybe kissing. I did use one of their glasses and had a green salad at their house the first day I arrived and they are not the cleanest of people. Needless to say I am worried. I can not afford to get any other diseases at this point.

As you all know one of my biggest sayings is to trust life and right now I have to take that to heart. This is not working here and I am going to come home. Neville tells me that I can do 60% of the treatment at home, hopefully that will be enough. I am saddened to leave because this was my ace in the hole. It scares me to give up on this option and return home to traditional doctors. However, I am more stressed right now then I have been in the last two years. I know that is one of the worst things for someone with cancer. I have yet to pick a time when I am leaving probably by the end of the week sometime. I have just made this decision in the last hour and have yet to even call the airlines. I will keep you all posted. Love,

Kristine

The Truth of The Matter

I am getting a lot of texts from people asking me how I am. I am not sure if I should write about what is going on because I know so many of you are worried already. I am not going to sugar coat this situation. It is extremely hard and I am stuggling. I am still very positive that this can work but there are a few obsticles that need to be figured out. I will not give up that easy. It has not even been a week yet. So hold on to your panties and don't freak out too much.

The Oleander treatment never made me feel nausous but I did have some crazy side effects. Late on the first day, I started having muscle spasms on my left side. Both my leg and arm would jump about 6 inches and would not stop for about two minutes. The first time was really weird and I just ignored it and kept doing my thing. The next day I continued the treatment and then the spasms started again. Now I started to get concerned. I walked over to see Neville but he was not feeling well hmself and his wife went to talk to him about what was happening. He had said he had never heard of such symptoms and I should stay the course and just cut back my intake by 50%. When I got back to my room the spasms continued and I started to finally get a little freaked out. I was also feeling extremely weak and mentally exhausted. Very similiar to how I felt the second week of my chemo schedule. The simplest thoughts would make me break down in tears. The biggest difference was I was alone. I stopped the treatment cold turkey and started feeling better yesterday. I went to the local mall and saw the movie Stepbrothers. It was exactly what I needed to laugh a little.

I can not even begin to tell you how many people offered to come and help me down here but I refused and thought that my girlfriend Marie and I would be able to take care of each other. Marie has decided to wait on coming to Ecuador because her scans are coming back excellent. I don't blame her for wanting to waiting I probably would have done the same thing if I were her. I am starting to realize that doing this alone is next to impossible. I have already reached out to my friend Jane who is a flight attendant and can fly stand by sonner then later with out having to pay some crazy plane fare. My mother has offered again and again and to be honest she would probably not worry so much if she was here. I am running out of time on this computer so I will write more tomorrow with an update. Big love to you all and thanks for all of your good vibes. Love ya, Kristine

Taking It All In

This has been a crazy experience to say the least. I have been pretty much just going by the seat of my pants, which I am pretty good at. When I arrived the first night I stayed with my friend Julie in a bueatiful house in a private area of Guayaquil. The next day I was to move to a B and B near the doctors home. The problem was it was sold out. When we arrived the doctor told me that he had many friends I could stay with. At that moment 2 of his friends came by and told us about another B and B only 5 blocks away. They immediatley took me over and set me up. They were so nice to help a complete stranger. To be honest everyone I have met has been extremely nice. So The room is small but clean and the area seems pretty safe.

That afternoon Julie and I met with the doctor and she took off around 1pm and left me on my own. I then sat at his house for the next 5 hours while a constant stream of patients came and went. In between patients he talked to me. He believes that cancer in part stems from unresolved issues in life or conflicts with other people. However he also told me that the cancer I have is so serious that I must have killed someone. (I have not, just in case you were wondering.) This is just the beginning of some of the theories he has about cancer. I could go on and on but I think you are gettng the point. My friend Julie told me that I need to just take everything he says with a grain of salt because he is really brilliant and has helped her to be rid of her cancer. I will agree he has a lot of knowledge on natural ways of healing. It just comes out a little scattered.

Right now I am really tryng hard to not make a knee jerk reation and come home on the next plane. Today I have finally started my treatment with oleander every hour. It is supposed to make me feel sick to my stomach at some point and then he will know how strong the cancer is in my body. It is about time for my next juice/oleander so I better get going. I hope I didn't freak any of you out. I am really O.K. Just trying to adjust to this situation.

Hola from Ecuador

Just a quick note to let everyone know I made it safe and sound.  We were about 2 hours late coming in and my poor friend Julie was patiently waiting for me.  I am staying with her tonight in a gorgeous private house.  Tomorrow she is giving me the tour and I will find my own accommodations.  There is a chance that I will be able to come back and rent a room from her friends at some point but they are out of town right now.  

Just wanted to put everyones minds at ease and let you know that I am fine and that the beginning of my Ecuador adventure has officially begun.  Until later,

Kristine