Play Your Hand and Snag A Big One

Kristine was a little more aware and lucid today. She's still throwing out sarcastic comments to her family and the hospital staff. Today though she was equipped with some new emotions, anger and indignation. And she felt compelled to channel these emotions into rants of irritated monologue toward any staff member who was unfortunate enough to enter. She had given a piece of brain that she was not happy to lose and now she was giving them a piece of her mind about it. One responder to the blog made reference to hurricane Omar that hit the US this week, well hurricane Kristine touched land today as a category 5.

She was told by Dr. Staddon in the morning, before we had made it to the hospital, that she may not regain movement in her left side. As you may recall from the last post she was not aware of the increased risk of paralysis that developed after she was sedated. From this point forward she was angry and bitter about her situation, and rightfully so. Here is a woman who has bravely fought so hard through 6 rounds of chemo, open heart surgery, chemo related hallucinations, 37 rounds of radiation, and now brain surgery. And after all this she is now faced with the prospect of being paralyzed on her left side with additional tumors in her brain and lung with which to contend.

As the immediate support team, Kristine's parents and I have been forced to find an appropriate balance. We are very aware that she is fresh off the operating table on medication and needs time to come to terms with her plight. But we also don't want her to fall into any grade of depression that prevents her from making progress toward regaining her left motor skills. We have come to the conclusion that the best way to do this is NOT to tell her that she is strong and that she needs to be positive, this just pisses her off more. Instead we need to prop up her ego, remind her of the people who care so deeply for her and her fighting spirit and, most importantly, make her laugh.

I did attempt to motivate her with a lighthearted analogy from a Becker card playing adage. Kristine's father Jim seems to always win a disproportionate number of card games. And the apple doesn't fall from the tree -- Kristine is always beating me and others by double digit numbers in card games. Jim follows the mantra that you can only play the hand that you're dealt, so you just hope to "snag" a good card. Well it never fails, both Jim and Kristine will grumble and moan at their bleak chances of winning with a lousy hand and then, out of nowhere, they "snag a big card." For me this is a perfect parallel to Kristine's current situation. And just like in cards, you can't snag a big one without always believing it's the next card in the deck.

I think if we can just get her through this initial and completely understandable stage of disappointment and frustration, we will again see the Kristine that we know and love with a voracious appetite for life and maybe even a desire to win a few more card games.

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Shortly after I wrote this post from home Kristine called me from the hospital. She was a mess. She asked me to come stay with her for the night. I agreed as long she asked the nurse. I'm sure the nurse agreed in hopes that Kristine would calm down and get some sleep. I spent a good part of the night trying to make her comfortable by rubbing her legs or moving her arm. She wasn't able to sleep all night. The idea of being paralyzed and still having to fight cancer is occupying her every thought and altering every idea about what her future will look like. The doctors do not want to give her medication firstly because they need her aware to monitor her neurological response and secondly because most options will lower her already low blood pressure. It's been a long night and I just hope that she can get some sleep soon to help her regain a more logical mental perspective. Saturday the physical therapy team will be working with her to get her up and moving. Let's hope for the best.